Sunday, October 4, 2009

Dear Red Neon Fish--Please Die

The orange and yellow fishes we bought at the same time we bought you died about 3 weeks after purchase. That was about how long I was really interested in having any of you.

H was the one who begged for all of you. She did extra chores for a month to get you. She named your yellow and orange companions Alfalfa and something else, I can't remember, but she had already completely lost interest by the time you got your name. Your name was LeTour for the first 3 weeks we had you, and then when Alberto Contador won, you became Alli, even though we all wanted you to be Lance. But that's not why I don't love you.

I don't love you because you shit in the water, and it drifts down into the neon colored rocks, and eventually the water becomes murky and stinky, and I have to fish you out of the muck and put you in a sandwich bag while I clean your stinky shit out of your pretty rocks. And your stink water invariably splashes onto clean dishes on the other side of the sink, and then I have a moral dilemma about whether I should reclean those dishes or just hope B and H end up eating out of them.

I don't love you because I feel guilty when I realize I haven't fed you for two days, and when I do feed you, the food smells disgusting. And I don't love you because I feel guilty when I realize you've been swimming in your own filth for your whole sad, sick existence. And I don't love you because you won't die and I can't flush you alive.

Red Neon (I've never really thought of you as Alli), I'm just not that into you. Please die.


stargurl said...

Maybe Red will give up her last bubble when Mars goes into Cancer for the next 6 months. . . fish tanks freak me out more than mormons!

I read your Least Gay Showtunes post last month and laughed out loud; but I didn't realize it was by YOU!!

Looking forward to future posts -- I am a "follower" of your blog.

sami said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

Hi Sam!
I used to HATE it when the kids went to those school carnivals and got bags of goldfish...Somehow at least one would end up with a bag even if I WAS THERE! How, I could never figure out. Like I blacked out and then there were goldfish. Anyway, it was off to the store for a bowl and all the necessities (never kept the stuff from the previous fish), get everything set up, name the fish, only to have them die one by one over the next week...Lovely, seeing a dead fish floating every day...
Hope your wish comes true soon.

Anonymous said...

You are funny!!!

Dawn said...

I brought home fish after school was out last year from a science unit. There is now one lonely fish left. I too keep checking to see if the little guy is dead. Me on the other hand, don't feed him or clean the tank. The little f-er lives off algae and the plants that are in the tank.